I believe in the imagination. What I cannot see is infinitely more important than what I can see.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Fear...

I was having fun with my cousins, showing them pics of my recent visits, my new clothes which I bought yesterday, my golden pendent and earrings. Everyone around was happy n I was enjoying with them. After some time they all left n few moments later I felt so sad, so disgusted, I felt like I lost something valuable… My heart was aching, my eyes filled with tears.. I was in some kind of agony.. but was not able to comprehend. Was this because they all left?? No , not at all. Was it because I wasted my precious time which I could have used for my studies??? No, No, NO… I m not able to understand why all this happens to me??? I m unable to find reason.. I wanted to talk to someone desperately.. But I never do so.. Something puts me back….

This awful sudden feeling keeps on moving stealthily anytime n destroys all content feelings of my heart n mind. I start feeling that I have lost something very precious, Precious like my life.. That fear, that disappointment, the fear of loosing, the fear of Dark, the fear of being alone in this whole world..

I fear to love someone, fear from accepting that someone loves me… I fear from being hurt. I don’t want to be on top because I fear from falling. When someone says he loves me… I m not able to believe that I could be loved by some one really. I m not beautiful, not have a good physique, m not smart enough. There r people with all these qualities. Then,, why someone will choose me out of them??


M I underestimating myself?? May be… May be not.. I may not have such things, but still I could be loved. I have something in me, to be loved. Then why I m saying all such stupid things.. because I fear.. But I fear what????


*****( “Deep in my heart I'm concealing things that I'm longing to say. Scared to confess what I'm feeling - frightened you'll slip away.”)*****

I keep on praying God. Please!! God let me be happy. Let me be content with whatever I have. He listens. But why doesn’t he sweep out this fear out of my mind????


This fear is like…
You are in sleep seeing a dream. In your dream you see a snake all over you. Your heart beats become faster, you are not able to move your body, you are afraid like hell.. your all body perspiring … n suddenly you realize .. that it all was dream.. but still that fear, that awful feeling doesn’t go away.. u still cant move your body… have u ever felt this happening with u?? That is what happening with me.. I m locked in a maze.. n I know it is all illusion.. n still cant find a way out..


PS: If it was not happening with you.. n if it starts.. don’t blame me..

52 comments:

pinkZz said...

you need not underestimate yourself. whatsoever you are.. you are good and best in your own..
you may lack some things but you might be having qualities better than that.. everyone is not perfect.. think like "i am not d best but better than the rest"
and do believe in yourself.. because it is truly said .. "trust yourself.. you know yourself better than you think you do.."

PULKIT said...

whom to trust and why to trust are completely your own choices sahitkiya!
look...
I dont know about perception of life or the past...or whatever u might have gone through ever!
but the answer to your problem is to learn to start pourong your heart to someone!
not a diary or blog but first a living being...
who can reply to you the way u want!
discuss things...
U have a beautiful sister! she is small in age but nevertheless... sharing things with her would be a gr8 idea, this way she too would share things with a confidence as she grows up furthur!
then...if there are trustworthy frns or a web of frns where u dont know whom to choose to start sharing is all is there... then trust someone randomly and share it out!
this wont be an insult to yourself...but like throwing ball on a wall...the wall might not be very expressive but it surely will return u ur ball!
:)
hope u got my point!
I am on a break from blogging and net for a while... might not be regular online!

pulkit.tiwari@gmail.com is my mail ID! if u ever need a frn, do let me know!
I wont ever break ur trust and promise u that ur secrets are safe within me!
take good care of urself
and give one bada wala hug to vedu!
ok!
gn!
god bless ya!


regards to all elders at home!
and wishes to ya!
Pulkit

Sneha said...

Do you love a person just because he/she is good looking?
If No then you have the answer to your question.:)

Take care.:)

Hopeless Romantic said...

dnt worry too much, relax u wld b fine!

aleem azmi said...

no need to be much worried it have to be gone ok one day....just chill and enjoyed as much as possible....
God bless u
Aleem Azmi

Arv said...

we all get those fears in life.. but once u get ready to face them, life just gets better :)

paramveer said...

hey first of all yew fear to love some one...its not at all good
start loving someone it could be any one,your family,your friend..or nything like a doggie or cat or parrot!!..:)

once yew start loving someone,you will realize that the person would start giving you his/her love back......its simple rule
"pour a drop of love and get a full shower"(atleast if you are a girl then i think its absolutely true..and yew r so)

and yes start accepting love...be some communicative,be helpful and you will feel on the top in ur own eyes and you have to be so coz from there a noble human being never falls down!!

i used to feel so as you in past but now i feel i was wrong.....world is not that bad as we think it is...beautiful ppl with beautiful heart are all around....

distinctly yours,
PARAMVEER
mypoeticaccent.blogspot.com

swati said...

hey u knw every1 of us have the same fear at some point..but we have to come over it one day..to face the world..we cant sit back n let this fear overshadow us n our persona..let ur self free n thn see how u'll fall in love wid things be it any person or anythn..
n trust me ur the BEST best thn thousands of othrz..n physicality is nt wat all mattrs..its ur heart which attracts othrz..jus be true at ur heart start loving urself frst n u'll see the change..
:) :)
Take care!!

The Solitary Writer said...

same every1 fears so.....so nothing cud be done...everything depends on hw u tackle them. . .. such is life girl....life is a pool of sorrows nd we have to overcome it nd reach the shore... likewise fear is something we just see... well....god cant do anthing its upto us...so y r u afraid...nd even if u fear...MEIN KISLIYO HUN..... DOST HUN NAAA.....
i knw hw good u r . ..so pls stop underestimating......samjiiii.....

ZiLliOnBiG said...

hey dear, i really felt moved reading you. You are not alone dear. Everyone has fears, self doubts, insecurities. If anyone doesnt have then he aint a human.

Courage is not something which we are born with. We have to build it our own. We have to fight it. Havent you heard the story of Vivekananda, where a dog chaises him and he runs in fear, his mother asks him to stop and the dog also stops. it stops chasing him and moves way. In life our fears are the same. We run away from them and they continue to chase us. We have to stop and face them.

Beauty is zilch physical. It is just the first attraction. We love the real person. When we love the real person, nothing matters about his/her beauty. The person appears the most beautiful in the world.Thats the power of love. Dont worry about your appearance. We are not film stars of models. Your beuty is your personality. Build it. Courage is one of the finest attributes. It makes the person look beautiful. Take care. :)

ZiLliOnBiG said...

and who says you fear and you are not courageous. It takes courage to come up with ones feelings. It is an act of courage to share your feelings with others. You have done good job by coming open with your problems. See now, it will appear much less. Its all a figment of our imagination.

ivy_^^ said...

you seem to be in a quick-sand kinda situation, ie, the more you struggle to break free the deeper you sink...but guess what? life is all about facing your fears and overcoming them...as they say in the bible.. "this too shall pass"
hang in there, you will be fine :)

Harshita said...

Sahityika

Pehli baat toh, jiska itna pyaara naam ho... woh khud kitna pyaara hoga :)

I wonder, why we gals tend to underestimate ourselves... althought main aisa karti nahi(I hate asking ppl to read me..hehe)... par haan... I wud want u to read one post of mine... shayad u will feel better to know that u r not alone... here it is: http://harshitawriteslikethis.blogspot.com/2008/11/worthy-of-love.html

U r special in ur own way... and people love u for who u r... and not for the way u look, or u wear makeup... :) U shud be happy that people look beyond all this wen they come to u...

We all are scared to lose people.. to be loved... and all.. it is natural... but overcome this...

Just tell urself " No matter wat, for once I will see how it is to be madly in love with someone. I will let myself free, I will let myself be vulnerable yet strong, I will experience the joy and pain"... and dekhna, u will feel great...

Toh baat yeh hain ki bandhan tod do.. aur darr tab tak rehta hain jab tak hum rehney detey hain... :)

Fly! Shine! Conquer!!

anupama said...

dear sahityika,
thanks for your visit to my post!anyways,i'm sure your spirits will be lifted after reading the forwarded mail in my post.
hey,i want to ask you a few qts.the sun rises and we get teh rays;teh cuckoo sings melodiouly and we enjoy the songs.the flowers bloom and we enjoy the beauty!does God differentiate the human beings from enjoying this wonderful feast?
why do you feel low,then?this is just apassing phase.i must tell you.hey,we will never meet and we are real strangers.but you can trust me and count on me.would you like to share your fears with me?
dear,you have a wonderful life.celebrate each moment!value the precious moments!please start reading guruji's blog[shri shri Ravis hankar's].
if you get a chance please do the basic course.it will help you to develop the positive attitudes and you will realsie why you love soemone or why soemone loves you.
beauty lies in beholders' eyes!
dear,open up!you must speak your heart out!you are so lucky,you could express your fears!what about the thousands of people who live in their own shells?
luv you sahityika,as you deserve the love.leave your worries n fears to me n you keep smiling.
wishing you a beautiful life and requesting you to start counting your blessings..........
sasneham,
anu

Priya said...

Hey Sahityika ! people said much more.....I'm looking only feeling and emotion that u have written over here. You are a natural writer because whatever emotions u want to give ur readers..... they got. It seems in their responses....Thus u succeed...... Keep writing ..... will do wait for ur next post

'अदा' said...

Sahityika,
Firstly, let me thank you for visiting my blog.
Now, I am really impressed by your writing, it has got, emotion, expression, good choice of words and very good explanation of the situation. You have received so many guidance and consolation from very many people; hence I think you have had it enough. Still I would like to say one thing about the outer beauty, doesn’t matter if you are not beautiful, at the end of the day we all will be on the same boat, i.e. fat, bald, wrinkled and old, look at all the mega film stars, they are all going down the hill, so least of your worry should be about the beauty..
That’s all I have to say...
Keep up the good work...

MultiMenon said...

I ll give u a solution short and crisp..I read the whole post and kinda feel that there is a fear inside u..I can pretty much relate to it,normal with every teen.. :) no worries..More so,its normal to have a control system working on ur inside..

But then,if u wish to come out of it,ITS JUST THAT U NEED TO OPEN UP JUST A BIT MORE,BE OPEN TO A FEW MORE CHANCES,BASICALLY TUNE UR MIND TO CHANGES,OPTIMISM,HOPE ETC ETC NEEDS TO BE BOOSTED..

and all of this can change if u make up ur mind saying u will.I am saying this with experience so kinda soo sure it will happen.. :)

Dun worry sahityika.. :) (now thats a brilliant name u've got too.. :) ) al of it will be fine,with TIME.. :)

did I say short and crisp?? :P

Take care..btw,am blogrolling ya.. :D

Nikhil

AKS said...

materialistic things only bring pleasure when they are shared with someone and ppl appreciate you for possessing them. u were happy showing all the new things to you cousins/frenz and when they left the feeling something amiss started to take over. I think i have also felt this

VisH said...

Dear DOST ...I dont have any fear because i belivwe tht DAR Ke AAge JEET HAI......by the way nice article.....keep doing well ....


Cccccccccccccccccc Ya

nitesh sinha said...

hiii, i read almost all ur articles nd felt tht u are quiet talkative...
its really nice coz its the only way 1 can let others feel tht "yess someone here for me."

ur thoughts r really appreciable. keep it up

गौतम राजरिशी said...

fear...the basic instinct that each one of us has....

i m visiting your page after a gap...but u have got flair for both hindi n english, i must tell u this!

carry on...

raj said...

very emotional n touching post...m touched.....

Disguise said...

I'm seriously moved by the way you write
Very impressive, Shall I say?

This post, as well is so emotional and so heart warming.
It really left me touched.

Great job. :)

Aparna said...

When you admit to the world that there are some fears in your mind, it shows how courageous you are.
The moment you are ready to face your fears, you stop being fearful.
Beauty has nothing to do with appearance. It is something that shines when you smile.

Devil Incarnate... said...

Hi dear, everyone hav doubts, fears and confusions, bt u shouldnt allow that to loose ur confidence.
Most importtantly never stop loving yourself, the moment u start loving ur self, nothing can scare u.
I was deeply moved by ur post, coz it was sounding like my past.. bt trust me nw i am my best person :)

rahul said...

hey I guess you are under estimating your self too much..just don't think let life run it's course..be happy..it's just your mind playing games!!!

eye-in-sty-in said...

i had the freeze-dream where I am in a bad situation, but could not get out of it... it feels very bad!

SAHITYIKA said...

@ Pinkzz
thanx sweet heart. :)

SAHITYIKA said...

Pulkit
hey pulkit.. thanx dear..
i knw i hav a sweet sis.. n i share my thoughts with her.. this post was the sudden feeling.. tht i wrote exactly tht time. otherwise i think it could nt have been like this.. a lil different.. or i couldn't have posted it..

thanx for ur encouragement.. whn evr i will feel like sharing something with u... will surely rely on u.. n come back soon.. will be waiting for u.. :)

SAHITYIKA said...

@Sneha
yes dear .. i knw..
bt tht is a thing..which matters ..
ur 1st impression is ur appearance..
i may be wrong.. bt tht somewhr affects ur relations..
dont knw. exceptions r evrywhr.bt in present world.. if looks ,ur appearance is nt important ..thn why evryone wants to look beautiful/?
wht more should i say..
thnx for ur comment.. n support.. :)

Rex Venom said...

Fear is the sorce of most evils we do to ourselves.
Forget fear.
Rock on!

Dinesh Rohilla said...

आपने ही कहा है कि क्यों डरे जिन्दगी में क्या होगा ! कुछ न कुछ तो होगा!
He Sahityika ! i want to say only this thing that u can't never change ur past, but we can remove by something good work in future.

SAHITYIKA said...

@hopeless romantic &
@aleem azami


I will try to relax.. :)

SAHITYIKA said...

@ Paramveer.

thanx for ur suggestions.. it feels gud to knw tht i m nt alone who is facing this..
will try to come out of it.. i will try to love evryone n hope i will be loved back.. :)

SAHITYIKA said...

Swati

i knw tht i m better thn thousand others.. bt sometimes it takes time to remind myself this thing..
n i do love myself.. :)

Solitary writer

haa tote .. samjh gayi..
i knw u r thr.. aur ye bhi pata hai tu mujhe kitna jaanta hai...
:P

ha ha ha
keep in touch.. :)

SAHITYIKA said...

@Zillion Big

thanx for sharing this story of vivekanand..
i understand.. i knw that all wht i feel is nt related to reality. n m trying to come out of it..i hope after sharing.. i wont have such kindda prob or it willl become less problematic for me.. :)

SAHITYIKA said...

@ivy

yes dear.. i hope that it will pass away.. n i will come out of it.. :)
thanx for coming at my blog..
keep visiting.. :)

@Harshita

hi di..
i hav been to ur blog.. n always found it inspiring.. the way u find jokes n funny things in each n every happenings.. i love the way u take the things coming ur way..
i wrote in one of ur post's comment.. tht i want to be like u.. funny , smiling.. making ppl happy.. hope i will be able to .. n i will surely try to come out of this maze.. :)

SAHITYIKA said...

@ Anupama

thanx for ur support n love..
i need it.. :) n i will try to read guru ji n follow him..
thnx for being with me.. if i will need..i will surely share my thoughts with u..

@ Priya

thnx priya..
keep visiting.. :)

SAHITYIKA said...

@ Ada

thanx .. n its gud to knw tht u liked my post..
keep visiting.. :)

@ MultiMenon

Hi nikhil..
yaa sure .. i will try ..
by d way. ur method is really very short n crisp.. :P

keep visiting. :)

SAHITYIKA said...

@ AKS

Thanx for visiting. :)

@ vish

Thanx vish..

@ Nitesh Sinha

yes i m talkative. :) wanna talk to me... :D

thnx for ur appreciation..
keep visiting..

प्रसन्न वदन चतुर्वेदी said...

good post.....

SAHITYIKA said...

@ Gautam Rajrishi

i m obliged that u liked my post in hindi n english both..

@ Raj

thanx raj..

@ Disguise

hey thnx yaar..

SAHITYIKA said...

@ Aparna

thanx for ur thoughts.. :)

@ Devil Incarnate

its gud to knw tht u have come over such situation n nw u r the best.. i will also try to be the best..:)

SAHITYIKA said...

@ rahul

I won't underestimate frm now.. :)

@ eye-in-sty-in

hey spike..
so u had freez dreams.. so u found d way out or not?? keep trying like me.. :D

SAHITYIKA said...

@ Dinesh Rohilla

haa ji kuch na kuch to hoga hi..aur shayad kuch achcha hi.. :)
keep visiting..:)

@ prasanna vadan ji

thanx for ur comment..

ASWANI said...

Nice blog. Keep it up !

‘नज़र’ said...

what to say, build little confidence in your heart and be optimistic...
----
1. विज्ञान । HASH OUT SCIENCE
2. चाँद, बादल और शाम
3. तकनीक दृष्टा

Nidzzi said...

all of us fear of loosing things in our life, we come with empty hand and we leave empty hand but this life can we worthy if we fill them with memories and fr tht u shud lve ur dream. live each day and make difference.
my bf too is leaving tomo ... m feeling so upset. till he was here it was so full of life and tomorrow will be so empty :(

p.s. changed my link to www.drunkthought.blogspot.com

The Solitary Writer said...

grrr

dnt call me tote in public budhhu.....privatee chats mein u cn call mee......yaaa i knw hw much i knw u +:p

SAHITYIKA said...

@ Ste

ok baba.. i wont..
gussa kyo hota hai tote.. :P ...

phir se gussa na ho .. this was last time. :D

shama said...

Hi..have visited your blog earlier...nice, simple, soulful writings..!
But please ,please don't use, 'sms' language..no shortcuts...!'n' s etc are not meant for a blog!

But of course, if your other fans approve of, no problem..majority wins!

And, yes gramer check..plus spell check...its 'clothes' not 'cloths'!
http:/shamasansmaran.blogspot.com

http://aajtakyahantak-thelightbyalonelypath.blogspot.com

http://kavitasbyshama.blogspot.com

http://shama-kahanee.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Wow all I can say is that you are a great writer! Where can I contact you if I want to hire you?

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